


All Consuming

by thisbequestofwingswasbutabook



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra
Genre: Ableism, Ableist Language, Canon Disabled Character, Character Study, Chronic Pain, Disabled Author, Disabled Character, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Isolation, No Romance, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, implied suicidal thoughts, internalized ableism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:55:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24835735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisbequestofwingswasbutabook/pseuds/thisbequestofwingswasbutabook
Summary: After running away from home, Korra struggles to see the value that she has as a newly disabled person.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 29





	All Consuming

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for an ableist slur used by a passing stranger.
> 
> Korra’s journey with internalized ableism reminds me a lot of her own and so this was born. It’s nice to get into her head, see how she’s dealing with her disability (really badly), and it’s a familiar place for me to visit. 
> 
> I might continue this with more unhealthy coping mechanisms, like a mental exploration of exertion self harm to distract from chronic pain. Or I might not, I don’t write much fic and I get bored easily.

There was a rock in the middle of the path, and Korra decided to bend it. It would be a good exercise. She sat on the ground in the path, wincing as the cold earth made contact with her knees and hips. It hurt, but everything hurt these days, so it didn’t really matter. 

She worked through her breathing exercises, keeping calm, and felt a connection form between her own energy and that of the earth. The rock lifted, and sure it took a little more work than it used to, but she could still do it. She could still do something, and she was still maybe useful, even if she was a failure of an avatar. There had to be something left to her, without her responsibilities, friends, family or the power that had been so natural to her for as long as she could remember. She’d just have to find it.

Korra smiled, and dropped the rock on the side of the path before stumbling to her feet. Her knees were sore, and her wrists from the effort of standing, but what was a little pain? It was just something she’d have to get used to. 

...  
It was raining, and Korra felt awful. Which was weird, being born a water bender, rain had always made her feel wonderful. She had looked up at storm clouds and felt full and powerful and unstoppable. Today though, she didn’t want to get out of bed. Her ankles and knees and every tiny bone running through her spine felt like it was on fire. She burrowed her head in her pillow, rolling over and wincing at the pain that coursed through her throbbing joints. 

This is why she’d had to leave home. Why she’d cut off contact with her friends, her team. She couldn’t let them see how weak she’d become, they’d only pity her. No one could love her like this, what could she even do for them? She was the avatar, she’d always been useful. Often wrong, and messy, but at least she had been good for something.

Now though, she’d have to figure out what to do for herself. She either had enough money for another night at the inn, or for breakfast. The thought of sinking back into the pillows, pulling the covers over her face and hiding for another day in the safety of her rented bed was appealing, but her stomach was growling. The rain beat against the window pain and Korra was reminded of the hot soup she would be eating if she were at home, or even the strange vegetable dishes that Tenzin was known to make on storm days.

The thought of her family, and of Tenzin, brought tears to her eyes. She couldn’t go back. Not home, and certainly not to Republic City. With a groan, she kicked the covers off of the bed and forced herself up. If she stayed in, she would dwell on people and things that she really didn’t want to think about it. Her best course of action was breakfast in the village market and then keep moving. She would find another town, another village, and another place where no one knew her name or expected her to be something wonderful that she just wasn’t anymore. If she hurried, she might even find a dry place to camp for the night. 

...

Every bone in Korra’s body was screaming for her attention, and it was all that she could do to try and ignore them. The market was farther from the inn then she remembered, and the effort of getting there took everything she had. This is what she was now. Pain and exhaustion, a body that a failure deserved.

“Watch where you’re going!” The shout interrupted Korra’s thoughts, and she was sent flying to the ground. 

She threw out her arms to catch herself, reached out to the water surrounding her to try and have a buffer, but she was too late, and her reaction time was too slow. Her face connected with a mud puddle, and Korra choked, spluttering and trying to clear her mouth and eyes and dirt of the sticky mud that filled them.

“Dirty cripple.” The man who had shouted earlier scoffed “don’t think I didn’t see your limp. You people move so slow, you ought to have someone else do your shopping so the rest of us don’t have to deal with you.”

“Say that to my face!” Korra shouted.  
She sprung to her feet, or at least she tried to, but ended up falling again, catching the brunt of the impact on her knees this time.

“That’s enough.” A calm, gentle voice cut in. “Be on your way, leave the poor girl alone or I’ll be telling your mother!”

Korra heard the footsteps of the man as he retreated, tears streaming down her face in time with the rain drops. He was right though. What right did she have to take up space, to slow people down? The world would be better off with a new avatar, really. Even a child could do more than she could.

“Come on now.” That same voice said, addressing her now. “Can I put an arm on your elbow to help you up?”

“No.” Korra said sharply “I’m fine. Besides, he was right, I was in the way.” 

“Enough of that.” The woman said sharply. “Now you can either get up yourself, or I’ll be helping you. Then we’re going to my house and I’m fixing us both some lunch.”

“That’s really not necessary.” Korra mumbled 

“That’s my decision. Not yours. You have many decisions that will be yours to make in time, but getting out of the mud seems a silly hill to die on. Here, take my stick.”

The woman extended a long sturdy walking stick to Korra, and she took the other end of it, allowing the woman to help her up.

It hurt, but so did lying in the mud, so did lying in bed. What did it matter, if doing something caused her pain, when doing nothing would do just the same? 

Korra shook her head and wordlessly handed the stick back to the woman, who accepted with a nod. The pain was here to stay, that was something the woman had gotten wrong. But as for the rest, decisions she’d have to make, things she’d have to do,she figured, she could deal with all that after some hot food.


End file.
